i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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