you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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