Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
