i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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