i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
