I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
