a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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