I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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