between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
