My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
