totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
