I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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