Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
