sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
