You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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