Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
