I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
