Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
