I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
