Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
