Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
