Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
