This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my shit smells like andre
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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