Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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