Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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