So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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