Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
