we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
