Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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