I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
