Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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