She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i've created a new STD.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
