I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
