The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
