im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
