I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
