my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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