I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i think my mom watched the whole time
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
