did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
