Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
