I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
