Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
