Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
