I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
