I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
