everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
