when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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