I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
