its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
