Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
