Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
