This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
