Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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