Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
